La Corona (2.11.06)

Clouds gather for an eclipse -

The Lord of glory is on the Cross.

Radiant corona, crown of thorns;

The bruiséd umbra Your sin-pierced side. Turgid grammar? accent mark?

See here in Heaven: "The Lamb shall be its light."

No more to die, but in His wounds, we praise. This line too opaque? Inversion awkward?

Needed expansion upon reception of critique, thus...

Revision 1a (after critique, 2.20.06):

Thorn-crowned darkness, arms outstretched

beneath: Cast aside Your coronal,

Accept the spear-shaft in Your side, O Christ.

The mockers' cry bears You to Your tomb.

You give them Your eclipse

And as sin's umbra is thickest on us,

We find it covers You. Metrical work needed, stanza starts strongly visual,

then energy dissipates.

Blindly, we see the light of Heaven

Once given to die, for which we praise.

Ensanguine us with Your clear light,

Within these wounds, the end of days. Lines were, and feel, tossed off, opaque again. Perhaps expand?

Revision 1b (2.20.06):

Clouds gather for the night of trial;

The sun is in the garden wood.

Sky darkens now above the rood; Word too archaic? Poem does have medieval antecedents, though...

The world's light shines from on the tree.

God, man is fallen in eclipse: Opacity? Oral equivocation too contrived?

Your corona is the crown of thorns,

Your side sin-pierced, sin's umbra black.

Never did justice bite so sharp;

The mockers' cry now bears You down.

Is this the One whom Heaven honors,

The light eternal peace once crowned? Rhetorical questions are a bit heavy-handed.

In Heaven yet Your wounds will shine

As on the earth, they brought us grace:

God, in Your death, we see Your face. This is probably too general and too much just stating it.

Revision in process (2.28.06)

Thorn-crowned darkness, arms outstretched

beneath: cutting the chiascuro

red to silent night.

In middle day You come to Cross,

the end to which our spirits move.

The world is darkened at Your death.

Despairing, we feel life depart...

We praise within Your wounds -

Sin's black umbra Yours, O Christ.

You give us Your eclipse,

Darkness as sign of future light.